Thursday, May 29, 2008

Hillary Clinton & Barack Obama were on a boat. The boat sank in a big storm..........

Hillary Clinton & Barack Obama were on a boat. The boat sank in a big storm. There was no life boat.

Who was saved?

Highlight between these lines for the answer
Highlight between these lines for the answer

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Lazytown, you are making my life miserable

My oldest son has discovered Lazytown. Not only has he discovered it on TV, he has also found it on the computer. He found it on Youtube and of course the noggin website (

I am not a person who likes techno music but this sounds like bad techno. So for some crazy reason I have that song Cooking by the Book in my head this morning. No matter how much Metallica I listen to it won’t go away. Maybe I should listen to some Slayer or King Diamond instead. I can only imagine what will happen when the twins discover Lazytown in a year or so :-(

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Who Would Participate In Such Crazyness?

hot tub group release (berkeley)

Reply to: Date: 2005-12-08, 10:51PM PST

Let's keep this simple. I have a hot tub on Euclid. I am having a group release party on December 28th. Everybody is welcome (last time was all men which was fun but I would really like to get some women this time). Here's how it works: Five people get into my 400 gallon redwood hot tub. The temperature is a challenging 125 degrees. After a few minutes, everybody "evacuates." (voids their bowels in the tub). We see what "floats to the surface." This "letting go" stage is followed by a "coming together" stage in which each person helps the person to their left reach satisfaction (handsex). Simple and wonderful.

Some ground rules:
1)No footwear of any kind in the tub! Leave your flip flops on the deck!
2)Do not go into the house.
3)Scents are okay but please, NO GREASY HAIR PRODUCTS.
4)Please refrain from smoking.
5)Once everybody is in the tub, its silent time. No talking until everybody is out.
6)If you do not like what is "going down" (or coming up) step out of the tub. You do not need to make it everybody elses problem.
7)Please commit before showing up. Don't come out to the backyard, check out the "scene" and then decide to leave. This disrupts the experience for everybody.
8)Please no laughing or frivolity. Its not that it has to be "dead serious" but we don't want it to turn into a joke. For many people a group release party is a vulnerable psychosexual experience and your laughter can be shaming.
10) If you are over two hundred pounds it is fine, but please let me know in advance.
13)Please make sure that you have eaten well and NOT EXCRETED FOR AT LEAST TWELVE HOURS before coming.
14)No food in the hot tub or on the deck. If you must eat, finish your food in your car.
15)You can park directly out front or along the street. PLEASE DO NOT PARK IN THE DRIVEWAY. If parking is limited park on POPLAR st.
16)Do not turn on the airration jets under any circumstances. This makes the party impossible to clean up afterwards and also disrupts the atmosphere in the tub.
17)Please show up on time for the session. The orientation period is extremely important and helps to insure that the party will be a success for all participants.
18)NO CAMERAS OF ANY KIND INCLUDING CAMERA PHONES. For many, the session is a "discreet" experience and respect for individual privacy concerns is of utmost importance.
19)If you have a health concern which you believe may be transmittable through personal waste material please wait for at least two weeks after the matter has cleared up before attending a session.
20)You are welcome to bring a friend PROVIDED I KNOW IN ADVANCE. Please do not show up with an extra participant. Thank you for your interest and contact me if you wish to participate.

So let me get this straight; shit in the tub but make sure you don't bring any ketchup.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Polar Bear Eating A Head Or How To Get Horse Lovers Pissed Off

What is going on with all these horse loving idiots. Here are some comments from the flickr page

kurtise_wells says:
this is disuting i am a horse lover y put sumthing on like this

heatherds94 says:
Who ever put these pic on here is a stuped asshole. I'm a horse lover and i hate people who do these to aniamls. you stuped assholes. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

buckarmitage says:
Why...................Would.....................................U...................Do.......................That..............................!?I..H8te............. U!*Ur a horse hater*

And the best one is here

The comments on this are pure WIN.

And by win, I mean, where the hell did all of these total morons come from? Is this actually flickr? Can I block and ban these people so I don't have to see their inane comments?

Is YouTube down or something? Or is it time to delete my flickr account and move over to picasa or something?

Hey, morons? Check this out.
If you use more than one exclaimation point you're a moron.
If you use numbers instead of letters, you're a moron.
If you can't use an apostrophe properly? Yup, you're a moron.

If you think that feeding a dead horse carcass to a bear in a zoo is cruel, but you don't think keeping a bear in a zoo is cruel - you're totally a fucking moron.

If you think animals are "peaceful" - especially polar bears - you're such a fucking moron I have no idea how you even remember to breathe. How do you even tie your shoes? Can you even wipe your own ass? Does the spoonful of cereal get lost on the way from the bowl to your mouth? Do you actually get hypnotized and trapped by random shiny objects? I mean, other than your TV. We already know you're trapped by that.

Morons of the world? Keep it up. You're just making it easier for me to get work, and I'm a goddamn high school dropout. I look forward to ignoring your crappy service at WalMart.

However, if you do any of the above moronic things and you happen to be under ten years old - you might not be a moron. Yet. But you'd probably start cracking the books and learning how to write properly.

Unless you like working at WalMart. Do you? I'd hate it, personally, but I don't like working with dangerously stupid morons.

Also, I had no idea they fed carcasses to the large predators at zoos. I suppose I just imagined they'd cut it up for them. Why I would imagine that, I don't know. Bears are perfectly capable of eating a carcass. That's pretty much what they're evolved to be - carcass eating machines.

What do you think?

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Thinking of Having Kids? Do this 11 step program first!

Got this from my wife, I guess she is having a hard time :-)

Thinking of Having Kids (or grand kids)? Do this 11 step program first!

If you are interested in doing day care do this,
but multiply it by 5 or 7…

Lesson 1.

Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room
from 5PM-10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. Eat cold food with one hand for dinner
3. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
4. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
5. Set the alarm for 3AM.
6. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM, make a drink and watch an infomercial.
7. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
8. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
9. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
10. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies.. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a
pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat.

1. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
2. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.You are now ready to
feed a nine- month- old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame
Street, Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?)
Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth
it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!