Thursday, August 27, 2009

Can you pass the hood math test?

Below is the hood math test, can you pass this?




1. Ramon has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out
of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many
drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt before he has to reload?

2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for
$320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of
The rest of his hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks
per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack

4. Dave wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to
Make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain
The 20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette,
And $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how
many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. Tom got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If
His common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much
Money will be left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the
Average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with
3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his
Gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also has a Boa
Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat.
If LaSheena makes $700 week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed
the Boa on one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Joe's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15 mph,
Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his
piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Speaking English is apparently what kills you

You have to love this doctor

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that 's
it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your
car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow
eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a
steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat
chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of
your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is
distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the
fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.
Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio
is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two
to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days
in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How
could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you
may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO
HOO, What a Ride'

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final
word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the
truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you.

Monday, July 6, 2009

First Image of Saint Michael Jackson

First Image of Saint Michael Jackson

Sunday, March 22, 2009

You cannot make up stuff like this

Someone posted this on the Female First Forum

I didn't want to disclose my real user name for this, so am writing this as a guest.

My son is 19 and though I have not seen him nude since he was a boy, I had seen him by accident about 6 months ago, when he had somehow ended up falling asleep naked in his room after a shower with his door wide open. He was on his back and erect in his sleep. I noticed his hard-on had a severe curve upward. It was bent very sharply like curling up bacwards. I had never seen anything like that on any man. It is about 7" long approximately and is bent more toward the tip in a definite shape of a letter "j", or a hook to attempt to describe it to you.

I was so shocked that I panicked, and woke him up right then and there. Thinking back, it was not very tactful, but I could not wait to try to get at what appeared to be a real problem. It all made sense, how he would not shower at gym class, and didn't date, despite being a very well built and handsome boy into sports always. I had always wondered if might be gay, though he denied it always. He awoke surprised and shy that he was naked, but I moved his hands from his erect penis, and asked him what was the matter.

We sat and talked after locking his bedroom door. He told me it had started when he was like 12 and got worse, and as I examined it more closely and attempted to straighten it out, it would straighten only very slightly before it would hurt him to force it any further. It being erect, it was very hard and stiff. We allowed it to subside by him putting on his robe a while, and was a considerably more normal in the soft state, yet still tending to be curved upwars slightly.

I could straighten it easily while soft, but it would bend back up like rubber. As he became erect again it curled up before my eyes into the "j" hook shape.

Now the doctors all said he is find and it's normal as far as being a medical issue. They said they could operate to attempt to fix it, but the cost was out of my reach. I am a single parent. So we took trying our own methods, in which I would tel him to strok it straight whenever he thought about it, and while masturbating to attempt to work the curle out a little more each time.

I had taken a little massage therapy classes in the past, and I even work on it for and hour or so, 3 days of every week in the evening. It was embarassing for us both in the beginning and I know it still it is, and even more so that he ejaculates everytime during the massage :oops: , but it turned out to make massaging it in the post-ejaculation, semi-soft, state really effective because then I can massage it and straighten it. It curls back in my hands and I massage it straight it over and over again, until he becomes erect again and semi hard again after ejaculation, three times in a row, usually over a span of an hour to an hour and a half.

I has given good results, as I would say he is 50 percent improved. I continue to treat him 3 days a week.

I am here to ask anyone with information on this condition for advice and/or tips technics on how we can further correct this.

Thank you all in advance.

Okay, this goes a little too far....I have 2 sons but can't imagine doing stuff like this. This is called a massage with a happy ending. The son should see a doctor and that is the end of it

You read all the responses here:

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Now this is how you do computer stretches

When you are stiff and sore from sitting at your computer
for long periods, it's best if you vary your position and
posture periodically.. We know we shouldn't sit for too long
without taking a break to stretch and move around, but
we forget, and then pay for it at the end of the day. In order
to prevent chronic back & neck pain, here are several
excellent stretches that are suggested to relieve the Stress.

Try one of these the next time your back and neck start
feeling tight..

Friday, March 6, 2009

How can you tell this table is being sold by a man?

Don't cheat! Try to figure it out. How can you tell this table is being sold by a man?

This table was actually for sale on EBAY. How can you tell it is being sold by a man?

Can you solve this little riddle?

First look and guess.

Look in the mirror. Remember, if you are posting a picture on the world-wide web, WEAR CLOTHES when taking the picture!!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Saddlebacking, who comes up with this stuff?

Saddlebacking: sad•dle•back•ing \ˈsa-dəl-ˈba-kiŋ\ vb [fr. Saddleback Church] (2009): the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities

After attending the Purity Ball, Heather and Bill saddlebacked all night because she’s saving herself for marriage.

I don't buy the whole night part :-)

Monday, January 26, 2009

Military Humor Pictures

Military Humor

Friday, January 2, 2009

Cunt Coloring Book? At Least Name It Vagina Coloring Book

Amazon sells the Cunt Coloring Book (Paperback)
Now why did they not name it the Vagina Coloring Book instead, seems kind of offensive. You also gotta love the reviews, here are two of them

Ladies, let's all get together and color til our hearts content! This is a wonderful book that I wouldn't hesitate giving to my daughter (if I had one, where's the stork??). I have two copies, one that is well-worn and another that I have kept in pristine gem-mint condition. This, to me, defines neo-feminism; a movement I couldn't be prouder to count myself a member of. It's a positive influence on all of us who are proud of what we posses "down there"!

I bought this book for my brother in law after he married my sister so he'd be properly educated on all the parts of the vagina. This book is definitely as educational as it is arousing...that is to say it does neither very well. But if you're super religious and need an anatomy lesson on how to poke your lady correctly, a raging lesbian with feminazi leanings, or you're a 9 year old boy who giggles when you say the word titmouse, then this is the perfect gift for you. Still, totally deserves 5 stars just because it's funny as hell. Send one to you local priest, rabbi, or boss today!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

A hooded armed robber bursts into a bank.......

Got this in an email today

A hooded armed robber bursts into a bank and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door with the loot one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber shoots him also.
Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.

There is a few moments silence, then one man, raises his hand and says "I think my wife may have caught a glimpse..."

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Santa vs God is there really any difference?

Image from here:

Monday, December 15, 2008

Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless

LMAO reading this gem

'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

Rest here:

Sunday, December 14, 2008

How many cops does it really take to capture a naked lunatic?

How many cops does it really take to capture a naked lunatic?

How many cops does it really take to capture a naked lunatic?

Looks like a lot of cops are needed, just pepper-spray the sucker next time

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Can I have a beer man?

Can I have a beer man?

Wayne from Times Square

Monday, November 10, 2008

Deutsche Bank downgraded General Motors Corp. to sell from hold, with a price target of $0

Deutsche Bank downgraded General Motors Corp. to sell from hold, with a price target of $0

Deutsche Bank downgraded General Motors Corp. to sell from hold, with a price target of $0, saying the car maker may not be able to fund its U.S. operations beyond December without government intervention

I think this is the first time I have seen a price target of zero on a stock. Wow that is amazing. I do however think that the US government will bail out GM and other auto makers.{5BBC7AEE-1D84-40F6-95E2-241FB03C17EC}&dist=msr_8

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Foreplay is overrated, according to researchers

Foreplay may be overrated according to a survey based on 2,300 women, which found that it has little or no significance when it comes to the likelihood of having an orgasm.

I will have to let my wife read this article. Here is some of the interesting stuff

In the study, reported in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, the academics quizzed a representative sample of 2,360 Czech women of all ages about details of their sex lives, including orgasmic consistency with a partner along with estimated duration of foreplay and intercourse.

Results show that for the women in the study, the average duration of foreplay was 15.4 minutes, and intercourse, 16.2 minutes.

The researchers point out that 16.2 minutes is considerably longer than reported in American studies, where intercourse was found to last on average seven minutes.

They added: "It could be that this reflects, a greater appreciation of intercourse and sensuality by Europeans than by Americans."


they suggest that the longer intercourse lasts, the greater the probability of orgasm for the women

Well, that I would call a no-brainer, what else can you expect, the longer intercourse lasts, the smaller the probability of orgasm for the women? I don't thinks so.

The link to the story in the Telegraph is here:

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Michael Crichton, Author, Dies at 66

Here is some sad news :-(

The family of Michael Crichton, the million-selling author of such historic and prehistoric science fantasies as "Jurassic Park," "Timeline" and "The Andromeda Strain," says the author has died in Los Angeles.

Crichton died Tuesday at age 66. He had been privately battling cancer, his family said.

I have enjoyed his books a lot, my favorite ones were
Jurassic Park
The Lost World

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Chinese Factories Closing by the Tens of Thousands (67,000 Were Closed In The First Half Of This Year)

The Los Angeles times has a story about how factories in China are closing at an alarming rate.

First, Tao Shoulong burned his company's financial books. He then sold his private golf club memberships and disposed of his Mercedes S-600 sedan.

And then he was gone.

And just like that, China's biggest textile dye operation -- with four factories, a campus the size of 31 football fields, 4,000 workers and debts of at least $200 million -- was history.

"We're pretty much dead now," said Mao Youming, one of 300 suppliers stiffed last month by Tao's company, Jianglong Group. Lighting a cigarette in a coffee shop here, the 38-year-old spoke calmly about the bleak future of his industrial gas business. Tao owed him $850,000, Mao said, about 60% of his annual revenue. "We cannot pay our workers' salaries. We are about to be bankrupt too."

That is pretty messed up, even China Printing & Dyeing Holding Ltd went belly up.

If the US is in a recession the whole world soon follows.

If Obama wins today then India will fall big time too, Obama doesn't like the outsourcing business and might start penalizing companies who do so.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Is it wrong to sleep with your step dad after your mom dies?

Dear Eve,

Last spring my Mom was killed in a car accident. I came home from college at the end of the semester to help my Step-Dad pack up her things and we spent a lot of time talking about my Mom. One night we decided to open a bottle of her favorite wine to toast her memory, and before I knew it my Step-Dad and I were making love on the living room floor. I always had a crush on him and was jealous that he married my Mom. He says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I feel like this is the way things were supposed to be but I’m afraid to tell our friends and family.
Eve, what would you do?

Mistress in Mourning

Answer can be found here: 

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Dzone is down, 500 Servlet Exception Cannot create PoolableConnectionFactory error

Dzone is one of my favorite site to stay on top of programming news. Dzone is down right now. Here is the whole damn exception page, a friendly down for maintenance page would have been better

org.springframework.beans.PropertyBatchUpdateException; nested PropertyAccessExceptions
(1) are:
PropertyAccessException 1: org.springframework.beans.MethodInvocationException:
Property 'blacklistManager' threw exception; nested exception is org.springframework.jdbc.CannotGetJdbcConnectionException:
Could not get JDBC Connection; nested exception is org.apache.commons.dbcp.SQLNestedException:
Cannot create PoolableConnectionFactory (Communications link failure due
to underlying exception:

MESSAGE: Connection refused

STACKTRACE: Connection refused
at Method)
at com.mysql.jdbc.StandardSocketFactory.connect(
at com.mysql.jdbc.MysqlIO.(
at com.mysql.jdbc.Connection.createNewIO(
at com.mysql.jdbc.Connection.(
at com.mysql.jdbc.NonRegisteringDriver.connect(
at org.apache.commons.dbcp.DriverConnectionFactory.createConnection(
at org.apache.commons.dbcp.PoolableConnectionFactory.makeObject(
at org.apache.commons.dbcp.BasicDataSource.validateConnectionFactory(
at org.apache.commons.dbcp.BasicDataSource.createDataSource(
at org.apache.commons.dbcp.BasicDataSource.getConnection(
at org.springframework.jdbc.datasource.DataSourceUtils.doGetConnection(
at org.springframework.orm.ibatis.SqlMapClientTemplate.execute(
at org.springframework.orm.ibatis.SqlMapClientTemplate.executeWithListResult(
at org.springframework.orm.ibatis.SqlMapClientTemplate.queryForList(
at com.dzone.utils.filters.dao.BlacklistDaoImpl.getBlacklist(
at com.dzone.admin.managers.BlacklistManager.getBlacklist(
at com.dzone.links.managers.LinkManager.setBlacklistManager(
at sun.reflect.NativeMethodAccessorImpl.invoke0(Native Method)
at sun.reflect.NativeMethodAccessorImpl.invoke(
at sun.reflect.DelegatingMethodAccessorImpl.invoke(
at java.lang.reflect.Method.invoke(
at org.springframework.beans.BeanWrapperImpl.setPropertyValue(
at org.springframework.beans.BeanWrapperImpl.setPropertyValue(
at org.springframework.beans.AbstractPropertyAccessor.setPropertyValues(
at org.springframework.beans.AbstractPropertyAccessor.setPropertyValues(
at Method)
at Method)
at Method)
at org.springframework.web.context.ContextLoader.createWebApplicationContext(
at org.springframework.web.context.ContextLoader.initWebApplicationContext(
at org.springframework.web.context.ContextLoaderListener.contextInitialized(
at com.caucho.server.webapp.WebApp.start(
at com.caucho.server.deploy.DeployController.startImpl(
at com.caucho.server.deploy.StartAutoRedeployAutoStrategy.startOnInit(
at com.caucho.server.deploy.DeployController.startOnInit(
at com.caucho.server.deploy.DeployContainer.start(
at com.caucho.server.webapp.WebAppContainer.start(
at com.caucho.server.deploy.DeployController.startImpl(
at com.caucho.server.deploy.StartAutoRedeployAutoStrategy.startOnInit(
at com.caucho.server.deploy.DeployController.startOnInit(
at com.caucho.server.deploy.DeployContainer.start(
at com.caucho.server.cluster.Server.start(
at com.caucho.server.cluster.Cluster.startServer(
at com.caucho.server.cluster.ClusterServer.startServer(
at com.caucho.server.resin.Resin.start(
at com.caucho.server.resin.Resin.initMain(
at com.caucho.server.resin.Resin.main(


Last packet sent to the server was 7 ms ago.)